The Text of Bread
It all began with what should have been a straightforward reminder.
Wife: “When you get home from work, remember to buy bread, and when your girlfriend Valerie welcomes you.”
Amused by her own sarcasm, she smirked as she sent the message. She had discovered over time that if she didn’t craft a witty reminder, her husband Daniel, who was notoriously awful at checking his phone, would completely ignore it.
Her phone chimed a few minutes later.
“Who is Valerie?” asked the husband.
She laughed. The trap had been successful.
Wife: “No one. I wanted to confirm that you received my text. So—mission accomplished, you said.
However, he did not respond with the eye-roll emoji or a laugh as she had anticipated.
Husband: “But at the moment, I’m with Valerie. I believed you had noticed me.
Her heart fell. The air seemed to get thicker around her.
Wife: “What? “Where are you?”
As she typed, her hands shook. Was he kidding? He must have been kidding. Correct?
“Near the bakery,” said the husband.
She snatched up her coat and ran out the door without even thinking. Her thoughts were racing. Was this thing for real? Had she just unintentionally made a confession? Valerie? THE Valerie? His accounting colleague, the one who usually chuckled a bit too much at his jokes?
Her thoughts were a haze of betrayal and incredulity as she rushed through traffic, barely breathing.
She reached the neighborhood bakery five anxious minutes later. Her heart thumping in her chest, she looked about. He was nowhere to be seen. Valerie was nowhere to be seen. Just the calm shuffle of patrons and the aroma of freshly baked bread.
Desperate for clarification, she texted once more.
“I’m at the bakery,” said the wife. “Where are you?”
A pause occurred. A lengthy one. Her cell rang.
“I’m at work,” said the husband. 😏
Wife: “What?”
Husband: “Now that you’re there, sweetie… Remember the bread. 🥖😉
She gaped at the television, caught between admiration and anger. He had deceived her. He had taken her own ploy and made it into a brilliant example of petty retaliation.
A little later, there was another message.
“PS: Valerie says hello,” said the husband. She works here as a cashier. Do you recall? The person you met at Christmas last year?
Her cheeks flushed as she let out a sharp exhale. Now she recalled. The elderly woman who had been employed at the bakery for many years was Valerie. cordial. married. A Valerie who had nothing at all to do with inappropriate flirting or accountancy.
Daniel, too? He was probably drinking coffee and smiling like the cocky genius he was, comfortably seated at his desk.
She sent one last text message:
Wife: “I’m purchasing sourdough, which is fortunate for you. Your fave. Just so you know, though, you will be punished by going gluten-free the next time.
He answered right away.
“Touché,” said the husband. I adore you. 😂
After putting her phone in her coat pocket and rolling her eyes, she strode into the bakery.
This round went to him.
But the bread wars were far from over.