In a totally legitimate and not-at-all politically motivated move, FBI Director Kash Patel has ordered the seizure of phone and bank records for every single staffer who worked for former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi on January 6, 2021—because, as everyone knows, the real criminals that day were the ones hiding under their desks, not the ones climbing through windows.
Patel, who was appointed to the FBI director position under unclear and possibly imaginary circumstances, announced the sweeping investigation in a Fox News exclusive where he assured viewers that he is “following the evidence wherever it leads”—which just so happens to be directly into the offices of political opponents.
What Are They Looking For?
According to sources deep inside the Department of Just Us and Nobody Else Matters, Patel’s investigation is zeroing in on bank transfers, Venmo payments, and late-night Uber receipts to determine whether Pelosi’s staff secretly orchestrated the entire Capitol riot.
What Do They Want?
Patel’s probe is focusing on bank transfers, Venmo payments, and late-night Uber receipts to ascertain whether Pelosi’s staff covertly planned the entire Capitol riot, according to insiders close to the Department of Just Us and Nobody Else Matters.
“We have reason to believe that on January 6th, some of these aides were spending money on things like ‘lunch’ and ‘coffee,'” Patel said. “And we are all aware of the true meaning of ‘coffee’ in Deep State code.”
When asked for concrete proof, Patel grinned and pointed to a huge corkboard that was covered in hazy screenshots, red string, and a solitary Post-it note that simply read, “Pelosi = BAD,” written in Sharpie.
Pay Attention to the Money!
According to preliminary research, at least one Pelosi employee bought a muffin on the morning of January 6th using Apple Pay. There are significant concerns over the whereabouts of the $40 that was taken out of an ATM the previous evening by another, and whether or if it was utilized to finance Antifa activities.
The most incriminating of all may be the fact that former Pelosi intern Joe Barron paid his Verizon bill that week, indicating that he was in regular contact with someone.
“We must ask ourselves why he was checking the functionality of his phone. With all those bars of service, what was he going to do with them? Patel thought.
Patel remarked, “You never know how deep the conspiracy goes.” “And it only goes to show how adept they are at hiding it if we find nothing.”
In the meantime, hours of surveillance tape are allegedly being combed through by Art Tubolls, Patel’s recently hired Senior Investigator of Totally Real Crimes, who pauses every few minutes to circle random faces and mutter.
Where Does It Finish?
Now that the FBI is concentrating all of its resources on Pelosi’s employees, it’s impossible to predict who might be next to be implicated. Patel has pledged that no “totally normal” trip to Whole Foods, no Venmo payment, and no Starbucks transaction will be scrutinized.