When my husband, Jake, gave me a calendar to help me “become a better wife,” I was astounded. However, I played along rather than losing it. Jake had no idea that I was going to give him a lesson that would cause him to reconsider his recently adopted marriage philosophy. I’ve always taken great satisfaction in being the sensible one in our union. It was easy for Jake to become engrossed in anything, be it a new pastime or a random YouTube video that claimed to transform his life in three simple steps. But before Jake met Steve, we were good. Steve was the kind of person who talked over you when you tried to correct him because he believed that his loud opinions made him correct.
Then it took place. He brought The List home one evening. He slipped a piece of paper across to me after unfolding it and seating me at the kitchen table. He said, “I’ve been thinking,” in a tone of condescension that I had never heard him use before. Lisa, you make a wonderful wife. However, there is potential for improvement. I raised my eyebrows. “Oh, really?” Ignorant of the danger zone he was entering, he nodded. Indeed. Steve helped me realize that if you, you know, took a little more initiative, our marriage could be even better. The page in front of me caught my attention. There was a schedule. and “Lisa’s Weekly Routine for Becoming a Better Wife” was put in bold at the top.
In fact, this guy had taken the time to plan out my whole week according to what Steve, a single man with no prior marital experience, believed I should do to “improve” as a wife. Every day at five a.m., I was expected to get up and prepare Jake a wonderful breakfast. I would then spend an hour at the gym to “keep in shape.” Then? A fun list of tasks: laundry, ironing, and cleaning. All of that was prior to my departure for work. Every night when Jake and his friends came over to hang out at our house, I was expected to prepare a homemade dinner and some elegant snacks.
The entire situation was so offensive and sexist that I wasn’t even sure where to begin. I found myself looking at him, wondering if my spouse had gone crazy. Ignorantly, he went on, “This will be great for you and us.” According to Steve, it’s critical to have things organized, and I believe you would gain from— “What could I gain from?” With a dangerously calm voice, I interrupted. Unprepared for the interruption, Jake blinked, but he bounced back fast. “Well, from having a schedule and some direction, you know.” I wanted to ask him if he had a death wish and toss that paper in his face. I chose to grin instead, which even astonished me. “Jake, you’re right,” I said kindly.
His face instantly lit up with relief. I got up and put the list on the refrigerator, almost feeling sorry for him. Nearly. He was unaware of what was about to happen. I couldn’t help but grin the following day as I went over the absurd itinerary once more. Jake was going to discover how much order our lives could actually support if he believed he could provide me a list of “improvements.” My laptop came out, and I opened a new document that I called “Jake’s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.” Did he wish for the ideal wife? Alright. But excellence came at a price.
His face instantly lit up with relief. I got up and put the list on the refrigerator, almost feeling sorry for him. Nearly. He was unaware of what was about to happen. I couldn’t help but grin the following day as I went over the absurd itinerary once more. Jake was going to discover how much order our lives could actually support if he believed he could provide me a list of “improvements.” My laptop came out, and I opened a new document that I called “Jake’s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.” Did he wish for the ideal wife? Alright. But excellence came at a price.
I wasn’t finished, though. Oh no, there was still the pièce de résistance to be revealed. You see, I couldn’t possibly balance all of these demands and still maintain my career. Jake would have to make up the difference in my salary if he wanted me to commit myself full-time to his ridiculous regimen. I took out a calculator and estimated how much my pay would be. “$75,000 per year to replace Lisa’s salary since she will now be your full-time personal assistant, maid, and chef,” I wrote after adding it to the list. I was laughing so hard now that my gut ached. In addition, I mentioned that he should enlarge the house as a precaution.The list was a masterpiece by the time I finished it. Yes, it was a logistical and financial nightmare, but it was still a masterpiece. It was a wake-up call as much as a counterattack. I waited for Jake to get home after printing it off and placing it neatly on the kitchen counter. He was feeling upbeat when he eventually entered that evening. He dropped his keys on the counter and yelled, “Hey, babe.” Almost instantly he saw the paper. “What is this?” As I saw him pick it up, I forced myself not to laugh and maintained a neutral expression. “Oh,” I responded softly, “it’s just a small list I made for you to help you become the greatest husband ever.” Jake laughed.
However, the smile began to wane as he read the opening few paragraphs. He was slowly realizing that this was not the lighthearted jest he had assumed it to be, and I could see the wheels spinning in his brain. “Hold on, what is all of this?” His eyes widened at the sight of the entire expenses, and he squinted at the figures. “A personal trainer for $1,200? $700 for groceries a month? Lisa, what the devil? I crossed my arms and leaned on the kitchen island. You want me to get up at five in the morning, go to the gym, prepare delicious breakfasts, clean the house, prepare dinner, and entertain your guests. Don’t you believe we should budget for all of that? As he turned the pages, his face went white. “$75,000 annually?
He was suddenly struck by the numbers and the ridiculousness of his own expectations. His arrogance vanished, along with the understanding that he had made a grave mistake. “I… I didn’t mean…” Jake stumbled and gave me a wide-eyed stare. “I didn’t want for it to be this way, Lisa. I had the thought— “What did you think? That, like a project, I could “improve” myself? Despite the calmness of my speech, there was genuine hurt in it. Marriage isn’t about rituals or lists, Jake. Respect is at issue. And you will be paying far more than what is shown on that paper if you ever attempt to “fix” me in this way again. There was a heavy, uneasy silence in the air. Jake’s expression softened.
Steve made it seem reasonable, but now I realize it’s poisonous. God, I have been such an idiot. I nodded while closely observing him. “You have, indeed. Have you really delved into Steve’s life? Why do you believe he has the life experience to offer you marital advice? Or something else? It was priceless to see the expression on his face as my comments resonated. You’re correct. Furthermore, he could never afford to live this way. He used the back of his palm to slap the list. He is unaware of the expenses or the degrading nature of this. Oh, Lisa, did I go too far once more? Yes, but we’ll bounce back. Let’s shred that document and return to equality now. He gave a feeble smile.